Blog
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Monday, June 8, 2009 - 1:36 pm
I swallowed the Bitter pill
I have been way more emotional over the last couple of weeks. This is worst than the mood swings I got from Prednisone in Seattle. There is no doubt I have been enjoying my free time before I start re-re-induction, but there are moments when I feel blue. Not a sad mopey blue, but a fiery bitter blue – angry at the world and pissed off that life is so unfair. Recently Mabel told me that there have been a few times that I have totally caught her off guard by some of the negative things that come out of my mouth. Most times I keep them to myself or share them only with my therapist because I too am shocked at the dark thoughts that cloud my head. For example, at a wedding I saw a bunch of guests smoking outside. I felt so bitter that they were actively/knowingly damaging their bodies and they aren’t the ones dealing with cancer. I also decided that although I loooove weddings, I don’t want to attend anymore for a while. At weddings of course I feel happy for the bride and groom, but a part of me feels gypped/jealous because I never got the wedding that I dreamed of. People tell me that I can throw one anytime I want, but honestly I don’t want to have a reception with this dark cancer cloud over my head. As vain as this might sound, I don’t want to be a bald bride.
Ugh I just read the paragraph above and there is so much negative energy. I feel like a bad person, but I think I have the right to blame cancer for my temporary darkened heart. My sister Mel used to call me Drizella when I was demanding, catty and moody and she was CinderMella. It’s about time Drizella takes a hike! Thanks for listening to me vent. I strangely feel better.
On the medical front we are still good to go to get admitted tomorrow. My blasts are 71% in my peripheral blood and my wbcs are 27.6. It’s about time for a beat down….
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Saturday, June 6, 2009 - 10:20 am
Chemo delayed til Tuesday, June 9th
Yay!
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Monday, June 1, 2009 - 12:45 am
Intervention Leukemia Party
If you watch How I Met Your Mother then you’ll understand the Intervention party Mabel threw for me today. I was caught off guard and could not stop bawling when I saw all of my friends at the surprise party. My dear pals read aloud letters written to intervene my relationship with Leuk and end it once and for all. This was the best gift I could ever ask for as I prepare for chemo in the upcoming weeks. THANK YOU.
My oncologist and I decided I would try Sprycel before I start chemo to see if the Sprycel works on my cancer. I started taking it last Monday 5/25. My leukemia blasts cells were 52% in my peripheral blood when I started Sprycel and has dropped to 34% and then 31% over the last 5 days (my wbcs were 22.1, 16.9 and 16.7 respectively). However, the Sprycel and Leuk have also made my counts drop. I received blood and platelet transfusions last week. Despite this, my oncologists thinks the drop in my blasts and wbcs is a good sign that Sprycel is effective. On Friday he suggested that I reconsider enjoying a little more quality time before I start chemo if Sprycel can keep things under control. He believes that waiting a few more weeks will not change the effectiveness of the chemo on my cancer. His offer is mighty tempting as the longer I hold out on chemo, the more I am dreading chemo. I love my short curly locks and the luxury of hanging out with my peeps (especially snuggling with Marshawn). Plus Dr. Johnson warned me that once I start chemo, it may be a very long time before I recover. My new immune system and baby stem cells (remember my old ones got fried with radiation/chemo so I could get the transplant?) may have a tougher time recovering and protecting me from infections as the chemo wipes out my counts as it takes down the cancer.
I am still set to enter the hospital this Tuesday, but if my blood counts look good on Monday I may hold off just another week. Van’s family is coming into town and it would be lovely to spend time with my favorite nieces and nephew. I am a bit freaked out knowing that cancer is lurking in my body and that I haven’t press the GO button on Operation Three Strikes You’re Out Leuk. Am I a mad woman?? Or in denial? Or being stupid?? I have been having this debate in my head all weekend long. I am trying to be as rational as possible so that I do not regret the decision I make. For the first time in my cancer journey I feel like I don’t have a clear path and I am afraid I am going to make the wrong decision. People keep telling me to listen to my intuition/body/gut for guidance, but honestly my intuition is as confused as I am!
If I do decide to delay chemo for another week I will get blood draws every other day to ensure that my counts are in the safe zone and I promise I will not hesitate to check myself into Kaiser if something is funky.
Will keep you posted.
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Wednesday, May 13, 2009 - 3:34 pm
My thoughts
At last week’s appointment my local oncologist gave me three options:
1. Re-induction chemo and if I get into remission, do a 2nd transplant
2. Take Sprycel to see if the medicine can extend my life (My Leukemia is C-KIT+ (cd117+) which Sprycel can be effective on. *This is not a long term cure)
3. Do nothing, monitor the disease and enjoy the time I have left. He used words like “vacation”, “trip”, “cruise” a bunch of times.My local oncologist wanted me to understand that my Leukemia is extremely resistant. I have received the strongest treatments (chemo, radiation, etc.) to kill my cancer, but it keeps coming back. He warned me that enduring more treatment could be detrimental to my quality of life and he guaranteed that Leuk would come back. However, he did say that I needed to make this decision based on my heart and my own intuition. He would support me 110% with whatever I decide.
Although I greatly respect his opinion, at this point, I refuse to give up. I am only 27 years old. There is no vacation I want to go on before I die (I wouldn’t enjoy it with this dark cloud hovering over me.). I am not in denial. I understand that we are in unchartered territory and I am up against a ginormous wall. However, I am not fighting to live for a few more months. I AM fighting to cure myself of this horrible disease so I can enjoy life until I’m gray and old. I want to be there to support Van as he becomes an established businessman, to applaud Melanie at her graduation from med school, to be in the delivery room and welcome Melissa’s future babies into the world, to join a senior citizen bowling team with my BFF Mabel, etc. I would rather die fighting than throwing in the towel.
Tomorrow I meet with my doctor to discuss my decision. We will probably start chemo in 2 weeks (after my close friends’ wedding). I know delaying my chemo is risky, but this wedding is the only thing that I dreamed about going to before I left for Seattle. My heart is set on attending. Plus my cancer has been progressing slower than my oncologists had expected and my counts have remained stable. I feel strong and energized. But I’m no fool, if my counts take a deep plunge in the upcoming weeks, I will start chemo immediately.
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Thursday, May 7, 2009 - 11:31 am
M^4 Power (My Mini Mental Meltdown)
These past few weeks, we’ve been helping my mom move out of the house we grew up in and into a place closer to her work (which also happens to be my hospital). Yesterday I found my senior yearbook that I hadn’t seen in years. On the first page I flipped to, I read a note from a girl, who’s mom just happens to be one of my current infusion nurses (small freaking world). She wrote, “Michelle, you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever known. Good luck with life’s challenges.”
I thought to myself “Wow such wise words.” In all the other messages my schoolmates wrote about future successes, accomplishments, ambitions, opportunities, etc. No one else mentioned life’s challenges. No one thinks about future hardships when they are young. I surely didn’t.
I always thought Van and I would grow old together. In college, whenever I saw an old Asian couple on the bus, I would smile and dream that that would be Van and me one day. He would wear those Kangol caps that old men wear and I would have my gray hair tied in a bun. Maybe one of us would be using a cane. Now I’ll be lucky if I even reach my thirtieth birthday. My yearbook review made me feel sorry for myself and bitter. “Why me?!?” was the question of the day.
I was lamenting all of this to my sister. Luckily Melanie was there to hug it out with me. She’s really the best person to be with when I feel crappy. Only she would think to show me this to dry my tears:
Today I feel much better. Now I’m off to my appointment with Dr. Johnson to get ready for my upcoming life challenges. Here we go…
