I have been way more emotional over the last couple of weeks. This is worst than the mood swings I got from Prednisone in Seattle. There is no doubt I have been enjoying my free time before I start re-re-induction, but there are moments when I feel blue. Not a sad mopey blue, but a fiery bitter blue – angry at the world and pissed off that life is so unfair. Recently Mabel told me that there have been a few times that I have totally caught her off guard by some of the negative things that come out of my mouth. Most times I keep them to myself or share them only with my therapist because I too am shocked at the dark thoughts that cloud my head. For example, at a wedding I saw a bunch of guests smoking outside. I felt so bitter that they were actively/knowingly damaging their bodies and they aren’t the ones dealing with cancer. I also decided that although I loooove weddings, I don’t want to attend anymore for a while. At weddings of course I feel happy for the bride and groom, but a part of me feels gypped/jealous because I never got the wedding that I dreamed of. People tell me that I can throw one anytime I want, but honestly I don’t want to have a reception with this dark cancer cloud over my head. As vain as this might sound, I don’t want to be a bald bride.
Ugh I just read the paragraph above and there is so much negative energy. I feel like a bad person, but I think I have the right to blame cancer for my temporary darkened heart. My sister Mel used to call me Drizella when I was demanding, catty and moody and she was CinderMella. It’s about time Drizella takes a hike! Thanks for listening to me vent. I strangely feel better.
On the medical front we are still good to go to get admitted tomorrow. My blasts are 71% in my peripheral blood and my wbcs are 27.6. It’s about time for a beat down….
20 responses so far ↓
1 Ted // Jun 8, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I don’t think you should feel bad about being bitter. You’ve been through some horrible things and you’ve got more fighting to do. I think everyone would be angry and bitter if they were in your shoes. It’s not something that’s healthy to give in to but sure it’s totally natural.
From here it seems like you’ve done so much better than 99.9% of people would with something like this, so don’t feel bad.
2 Emily // Jun 8, 2009 at 2:38 pm
thank you for sharing and being… HONEST! I don’t think it would be humanly possible NOT to think those thoughts. My only hope is that you are finding the necessary outlets to express how you are feeling when you need to.
3 Tammy // Jun 8, 2009 at 3:18 pm
We’re here to back you up, Michelle! I <3 you sooooo much. Keep fighting.
4 Ipshita // Jun 8, 2009 at 3:50 pm
You did not deserve this … you just did not. I don’t know what else to say but I will keep hoping for miracles.
5 Jenny // Jun 8, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Hi Michelle,
You don’t know me, but for the past couple of months that I’ve been following your story, I strangely feel like I know you. And through your blog entries and your friends’ testimonials, I can tell that you are an amazing person.
You shouldn’t feel like a bad person for wanting what others so easily take for granted. And it’s pointless to even try and think this must be happening for “a good reason” because frankly, there isn’t a silver lining, and you, especially, don’t deserve any of this.
But look on the bright side. You have an amazing group of friends and family by your side, not to mention a guy who loves and cares so deeply for you to help you get through all of this. We can’t change the past but we can focus on the present and look forward to the future. I know this is so much easier said than done, but keep your chin up girl, and I know you can get through this.
6 mabel // Jun 8, 2009 at 6:07 pm
It’s okay for you to get Drizella on us. Cancer is a totally legit excuse for anything: http://blamedrewscancer.com/
Love you so much.
7 Helen // Jun 8, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Hi Sweetie,
Don’t ever feel bad about sharing your feelings. Don’t forget that you are only human so it’s normal to have these negative feelings. You have been strong all along this fight and I’m sure you’ll continue to be. So it’s ok to breath a little at times and let out the bad feelings.
Just remember you WILL win against Leuk! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
8 A Fan // Jun 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Hi Michelle,
No matter how strong one is, there are always times we feel like we could break. Please continue to stay strong and be positive. Our mental state/psyche can play a large role in our health.
9 Sarah in Pittsburgh // Jun 8, 2009 at 9:19 pm
What everyone else said. You’re allowed to feel bitter and angry and resentful and cheated and vain. Most of us feel those ways sometimes for far lesser reasons. Will be thinking about you as you start chemo again. You’re an inspiration to all of us who read your blog no matter what happens. Now go kick some cancer ass.
10 Bryan C // Jun 8, 2009 at 11:28 pm
thinking of you maykin! lets find an online speed scrabble game we can play together while you’re healing, and i’m househusbanding =)
love,
bryan
11 Stacie Tamaki // Jun 8, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Aw Michelle. Sending you some *Hugs* IMO there’s a huge difference between being a negative person and expressing negative emotions when warranted. One is self destructive, the other cathartic. If you felt better after venting then it’s good to let that anger express itself so you can move forward without the burden of carrying those feelings with you.
12 Roopa // Jun 9, 2009 at 7:49 am
TO the above comment-I completely agree. THe rest of us feel bitter and feel like life is unfair about such silly things.
You have fought so hard..just continue to do so.
Am thinking about you today as you start chemo. May you finish and come out of the hospital real soon! Lots of Love!!
13 Lam Nguyen // Jun 9, 2009 at 11:15 am
Hi Michelle,
Yesterday was the first time I went on your blog and read about you. I am about your age,also Vietnamese and had the same disease.I am a bone marrow unrelated match post-transparent 14 months ago. I had the same feelings that you are having and that’s very normal. I am still in fear of relapse but determined to beat this ugly cancer and I pray for you. There is always miracle. If it can happened to me, it can happened to you or anyone that is searching for miracles. There is always Hope, please continue to fight; for yourself and your loved ones. I hope to hear from you again. Lam/Albuquerque
14 Young // Jun 9, 2009 at 12:30 pm
thanks for being real michelle. i too have been feeling fiery bitter blue recently, mostly about how image-conscious and achievement-oriented the world around is …
15 Ashwin // Jun 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Hi Michelle,
Hope you are feeling well and this round goes by super smoothly. Can’t wait for our next reality tv marathon..=)
16 carollai // Jun 9, 2009 at 5:28 pm
hi michelle,
i really really think it’s somewhat healthy to be angry, bitter, pissed off, mad at the world, etc… i’m glad that usually you do have a therapist to confide in but heck, this is your blog. yell if you want! sigh. praying for today’s admittance and all. keep us updated please. and know that many are praying for you.
17 Annie // Jun 9, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Oh dear girl, the sharing of your ‘fiery bitter’ and angry thoughts is a show of the strength you have. Look at you – already getting up again before the end of your blog entry! Amazing strength.
And as far as going to the weddings go – well, yes, so much happiness and all, is enough to make one sad at times.
Sending you a goodly dollop of gentle stardust tonight and every night…
May this time be the winner round.
love and light
Annie
Steven’s mom
18 suzanne // Jun 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Hey Michelle! you should be pissed and angry and you need not to apologise.You are not here for us we are here for you.In any circumstance or mood you are in, let it out! When my son Alex was in the hospital battling Leuk and the BMT for 5 months I kind of felt the same that people are smoking bitching about stupidities when my son is fighting for his life in a hospital, we have these moments, some stay longer than others but these emotions too will pass and courage hope will win the day! Do what you need to get through this! Love Suzanne
19 Nancy Sakakura // Jun 10, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Michelle, I believe it’s healthy that you write about your true feelings. You have every right to feel as you do and to think you wouldn’t feel this way would be totally unrealistic. Thank you for your honesty and integrity. It sheds real light on the situation. You are a tough cookie and a real inspiration to so many. Hang in there. Praying that the chemo will get you back into remission! love, n
20 Wenda "Jello" Lee // Jun 11, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Get all those negatory feelings OUT!! It’s healthy to be human and feel as angry and pissed off as you’ve been feeling.
Hope this will brighten your day a bit: My friend who registered to be a bone marrow donor with me because of your story recently found out she’s a match for someone! Your efforts and the Project Michelle Team are paying off! I hope these things will pay it forward to you. You’re still heavy in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and let Drizella come out more to help you cope! Sending you big hugs and warm fuzzies!
Leave a Comment