This past round of chemo reminded me of the game Mercy where you try to bend your opponent’s hands back until he can’t take the pain anymore and screams “Mercy!!” I was always good at this game. Not only did I have strong double jointed man hands, but I also had a high tolerance for pain. Like my Mercy opponents, I never thought that chemo was a match for me. For the last 7 rounds (including 5 last year) I’ve been able to walk out of the hospital without any pain or major side effects from the chemo. In fact, I always felt a little stronger knowing that I had successfully endured a round of chemo and now the “medicine” was going to do it’s job killing those darn Leukemia cells.
My how the tables have turned….

I am usually pretty out of it after the first day of chemo, so I figured my energy would come back on Day 2. Instead of energy, I was greeted on Day 2 with a low grade fever and a slightly elevated heart rate (95 - average is usually between 60 to 80 beats per minute). My chest was really tight and it hurt to take in a deep breath which I had never felt before. However, since I’ve had low grade fevers and rashes in the past from the Cytarabine (the “C” in my MEC chemo regimen), my doctor and I weren’t that alarmed. He figured that the chest pains were due to the elevated heart beat which was due to the fever. So he administered my 6th intrathecal chemo (final one hooray) and on Wednesday night, I took some Tylenol and the nurses went on their merry way administering the 3rd and last dose of MEC.

Thursday morning (the day I was hoping to check out of Kaiser), I felt like I had come down with the flu. I was achy all over, my head hurt, I felt nauseous, I had the chills and it really hurt when I tried to expand my lungs. My fever spiked to 102.3 and my heart was racing at 135 bpm. My oncologist ordered lung x-rays, EKG, and blood cultures to try to figure out what was wrong. Luckily everything came back negative. My blood counts were still normal (they don’t start to drop until a few days after chemo) so he didn’t think it was an infection. My oncologist was still certain that all of this was due to a reaction to the chemo (even though I didn’t have a skin rash like I had during previous rounds). He said even though I felt terrible, I didn’t look like a sick person which was a good sign to him. He warned me that I would probably stay in the hospital for the next couple of days.

All the while I just laid in fetal position moaning and shivering. I think I mentally screamed “Mercy!” in my head like a thousand times on Thursday, but relentless Chemo refused to let go. It quickly applied more and more pressure against my metaphorical wrists until I thought my spirit was going to break. Actually I’m pretty sure my spirit took a big fat beating, but thankfully I had Mabel, my mom and Van to comfort me, put ice packs on my head, and force me to drink plenty of liquids. As I complained to Mabel she reassured me that the pain was going to pass. I kept on looking at the wall clock, but the day passed like molasses. It felt like it was never going to end and neither was my pain. But the day did end and with it went my fever and pain.

Like Van said, Friday morning I woke up feeling “A thousand times better.” My doctor came in, took one look at me, and got the papers ready to discharge me out of the hospital by 1pm. Free bird again (well not totally free…but my cage is much more comfortable at home) Woo hoo!

I’m still in shock at how quickly I rebounded. I truly believe I let chemo beat me this time because I went into this round with dread. I didn’t want to go through it and consequently my body rejected the chemo more severely than ever before. Even as I type this, the thought of the blue chemo (see Van’s picture in previous blog) makes me sick to my stomach. This has never happened before! I guess I’ve developed a very strong aversion to the thought of this blue chemo or chemo in general. Isn’t it amazing how the mind and body work together?? I’m glad I have a little bit of time before round 4 to rid myself of this mental blockage (and find a donor of course). Any tips?